[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.