Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
HOW DARE YOU
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry