How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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I’m not the hero Gotham deserves. I’m Pete I work at Subway. Do u want extra meetballs.
I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three year old toddler over my shoulder
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Yeah, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Husband: Are you talking about Monopoly?
M: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble.
For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.
Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
“What colour would you call this?”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.