Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

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How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.


I’m not the hero Gotham deserves. I’m Pete I work at Subway. Do u want extra meetballs.


I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three year old toddler over my shoulder


Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!


Me: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Yeah, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Husband: Are you talking about Monopoly?

M: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble.


For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.

Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.


Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •


“What colour would you call this?”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”


Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.