@pleatedjeans

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

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@sarcasm_inc

A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called “disappointed”
Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.

@duplicitron

Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.

@Donna_McCoy

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

@markedly

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

@BrassBallsCJ

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

@shkeeber

Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.

@Parentpains

In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.

@kimlockhartga

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter