Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors