@pleatedjeans

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

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@Izianikapani

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

@tigersgoroooar

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

@Home_Halfway

GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this

@ShortSleeveSuit

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

@robyn_vo

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

@jenlaw_11

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

@_Water_Baby

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

@CaptainJerkwad

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

@thetits

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*