Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
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Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family