Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
You Might Also Like
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*