When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.