bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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Thinking about Jeff
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
me adding lol on a serious message
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.