Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.