@TheToddWilliams

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

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@GrantTanaka

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

@theroneman

Clyde: I’m looking 4 a partner. What’s ur name?
“Bonnie”
C: That ur real name?
“Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker”
C: …Bonnie it is

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

@SteveSackington

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

@Marlebean

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.