Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.
*The fault in our Jars*
Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.
Are you guys sure common sense can’t be beaten into people ? Because I’d like to give it try!
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”