@HatfieldAnne

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

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@TheRealPalMal

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

@bholejuice

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

@PeachesMcPeach

Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!

@The_Grant_Boldt

“Hi can I just have a single burger?”

I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship

“But that’s not eve-

Please show some respect

@dadmann_walking

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

@Gupton68

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

@AaronFullerton

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?