Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you