@HatfieldAnne

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

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@Elizasoul80

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

@asaltiercorpse

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

@_Awwsomeness_

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

@KKAlThani

Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.

@lovemyboots111

Are you guys sure common sense can’t be beaten into people ? Because I’d like to give it try!

@tastefactory

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

@duckpuppet

In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature

@Lhlodder

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”