Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.