I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Better names for porcupines:
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Hank is one in a melon.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
DAD: You’re adapted.
“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Smallpox sounds so adorable