Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
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How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive