@FrogAvalanche
News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.
@Love_bug1016
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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@FrogAvalanche
@NotOnTheMoors
Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation
@MariyaAlexander
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
@marebytes
Facebook tells me today is “National Winnie the Pooh Day” … I hope they’re ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office
@GirlFromBlupo
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
@JeffisTallguy
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
@Kamikaze_Blonde
Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
@Jeffwni
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
@T_N_Crumpets
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
@AwkwardComedy
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
