“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
You Might Also Like
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.