Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@david8hughes

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

@Jubafisher

If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.

@imteddybless

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

@deardilettante

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@futurecreaturre

if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die

@sarahclazarus

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

@tchrquotes

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

@bourgeoisalien

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

@lifecoachfit

I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.

Shhhhh. Stop crying.