Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

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As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:

“Let me see your phone”


Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could’ve just gone outside and saved yourself $50.


So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”


JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film


Who called it an “insanity plea” and not a “loco motion”?


Me: “You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass.”
Him: “So there’s still a chance?”
Me: “Let me ask my unicorn.”


*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.


Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.