Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Chicken bread
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Cake safety first. Always.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call