Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
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That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!