Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
May have had one breakfast too many
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26