Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time