vegan witches, happy halloween!
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People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
guilty
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[eulogy]
line?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.