Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
You Might Also Like
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women