@jellybnbonanza

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

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@PLATINUM2000

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

@LVMelL0

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

@Eric_Bader

Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.

@kimwilliamz

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

@mayamanion

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

@mynameisntdave

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

@Parker_Simpson

this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight

@LizHackett

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

@fro_vo

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*