My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Batman (1989): An orphan fights a clown
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*