Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Good advice.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Brilliant!
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.