@carlyken

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

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@FatherWithTwins

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

@SortaSarcastic

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

@mommy_cusses

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

@aalicesayss

If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.

@NickFlora

The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.

@KattWillFerrell

DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@ella__fraser

Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success

@weinerdog4life

Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don’t even know it.