Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process


Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.


Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.


If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.


The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.


DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a


[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.


Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success


Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don’t even know it.