*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Name another movie that mislead you?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.