@FallonTonight

Beware of the “party goblin”…

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@WhiteBoyBubz

Netflix should have a category called
“easy to follow while looking at my
phone the whole time”

@blade_funner

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

@YourMomsucksTho

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

@HenpeckedHal

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

@msgwenl

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

@momsense_ensues

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

@1CleverGirl1

Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
Me:……………..

@haggierto

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.