The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
based al yankovic
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.