bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Spring of Deception
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
RT if you could go either way.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
courtroom exchange of the day
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.