bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Feels like the fourth month in January
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Why would I want to fund a crowd?