BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

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if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost


Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.


Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?


The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s


Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.


According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”


“How’s the wine?”
“House red?”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”


Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.


I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.