Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
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People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I want this so bad
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning