Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
You Might Also Like
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…