@AaronFullerton

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

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@xysist

Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.

@BigJDubz

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

@iAmDelFreaky

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

@TheTweetOfGod

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

@PickleRudd

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

@AnOrangeSNES

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

@Staggfilms

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

@Darlainky

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.