@AaronFullerton

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

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@ojedge

Darth Vader’s full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.

@LostFelicia

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

@fujichia

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

@ClichedOut

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

@Spaziotwat

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

@TheHatStore

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

@squirrel74wkgn

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”