Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
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While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Seems legit
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.