Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?