BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
You Might Also Like
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Mad Max: Furry Road
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.