bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

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*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”


ME: What tattoo should I get?

TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.

ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.


The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.


Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit


People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.


My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.


Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you’re not supposed to jerk off in the back row


Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?


a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion