me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭