@torii_somerss

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

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@WritePlay

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

@pinupteacher

ME: What tattoo should I get?

TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.

ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.

@TheNardvark

The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.

@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

@Dwarven_Cleric

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

@DannyZuker

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

@iCumBl00d

Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you’re not supposed to jerk off in the back row

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion