*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
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A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
yea so i messed up lol
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You have been warned.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.