BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥