BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

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There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.


My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?


Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.


*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?


Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.


The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential


When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.


hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious


Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…