I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
bugs when you lift up a rock
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.