BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
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Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.