[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
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And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!