Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
You Might Also Like
My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. “No, I’m a professional,” probably wasn’t the answer he expected.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.