Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Mmmm canned fish.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.