bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]

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COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war


He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly


Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story


I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.


Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it


[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-



[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-



Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?


Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not