COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
How do you say “No, I’m full” in Grandmother?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not