[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11