[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”
Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Legalize Marijuana and Criminalize Karaoke.