Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.