Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

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[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.


Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.


Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….


Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…


[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.


If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.


Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.


Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?