@ambamthankyamam

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

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@mjkspeaks

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

@ValeeGrrl

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

@MythicPicnic

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

@thetobbie

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

@QwertyJones3

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

@SunnySideUp1987

If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.

@generaldietz

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

@PhilJamesson

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?