Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here

Obama: joe im on the phone

Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to

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Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja


[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5


you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye


“Bluetooth or crazy”

– is a guessing game I play when I see someone talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong.


Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.


[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.


The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?



Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.


write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead