Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here
Obama: joe im on the phone
Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to
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“You’re gonna die in 7 days”
[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“Bluetooth or crazy”
– is a guessing game I play when I see someone talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead
Me: Siri, how do I look?
Siri: Well, at least you tried