Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
incredible
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing