If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
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Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Just a bush.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
lmfao come on
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
my proudest tweet
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please