I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11