Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please