Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.