Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*googles murder tips
*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search
They won’t be able to prove a thing!
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]