@PaperWash

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

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@ObscureGent

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

@GSElevator

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

@ThePocketJustin

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

@dumbbeezie

Women don’t make good meteorologists because they’re never wrong

@blakeshelton

I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”

@lovemyboots111

Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.

@LucyLouMcB

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

@RafaelaStoakes

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

@datdbag

*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*

*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*

YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN