I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
What?!?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.