Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

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*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*

*gets pushed off for laughing*


I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.


Every night someone breaks into my house & dresses me for the next day. I guess I’d be more upset if it wasn’t saving me time in the morning


whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work


It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.


Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”


*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*


My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.


Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…


I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.