@Crutnacker

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

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@TheBoydP

*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*

*gets pushed off for laughing*

@empressofsong

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

@brendohare

Every night someone breaks into my house & dresses me for the next day. I guess I’d be more upset if it wasn’t saving me time in the morning

@sbellelauren

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

@SgunSuperman

It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.

@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

@iamspacegirl

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

@SirEviscerate

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

@Papa_Mex

Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…

@BoomBoomBetty

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.