Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
You Might Also Like
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.